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FERTILITY IS NOT GREEN

 

by laura lamb brown-lavoie

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LISTEN: Laura Lamb Brown-Lavoie reads Fertility is Not Green

Someone wants to sell us a pellet for the lawn. Someone is selling a vial of pork sperm.
The sow is ready for a turkey baster when you press her hind parts and she stands strong.
Ready for a mount, right there in the pen. Bacon proliferate, more baby pigs.
A low plane sprays some cousin of mustard gas onto the field and pretty soon it is Food halleluia
a green revolution— now approved for civilian use. And the tumors too. Surgeons reshape us
into perfect baby makers with the same silicone they used to remake the maimed.
Husbandmen— play boar. Play ball across the neon lawn of america.

I was given all the equipment to fill a few more seats in the bleachers but I won't.
A european-american uterus. Do you want to be in this kind of pain
for another fifteen years?
asks the dinosaur dressed as a gynecologist
when I decline his pill.
To fathom is to drop your line into water.
He chooses not to fathom this kind of pain even wrist deep.
There is something suddenly veterinary about this pelvic exam.
Damaged animal I am not though I am so animal.
A fathom is the length of an outstretched arm.
Closer than that I need you. If we are going to make anything together.

Here is what I bring to the table— poems. Poems is what I bring to bed.
No one calls the side of the highway fertile but we could disappear
for a few minutes in the thick of those weeds.
Treason! Shouts the diaper company and the algorithm salivating for another teen.
Incarnation on this continent involves each of us a unique dialogue with the dead.
The dead of this land. Know my name too well.
Dead who gave me your hands— why am I here if not the obvious job of babies?
Another crop, an essay, a red day to writhe through.
The word fertile shares its emphatic syllable with suffer. It is about what we can bear.

By the way the baby is in a basket in my bed tonight. I am the gay neighborhood doula
who watched his parent push him out and stuck around to help.
He stirs the air with his arms and smiles at nothing.
Already calling him “he” hurts a little— he is
scottish-italian-nordic-american “unplanned”
and has a lot of artists around
in the midst of our own attempts at being unprecedented and careful with words.
He figured out how to use his eyes recently, but remains, at this writing, indiscriminate
with the all-accepting gaze you mostly see on pictures of saints.
I am fertile for the gaze of a saint.

Which means I can bear it, can carry it, can blossom and have fruit from it
can make another me who cries with the simplest hunger
and sleeps peaceful against the breast of the idea of the mother.

The idea of the mother— our denigrated basic sacred.
Milk and honey is not a far off land it is, look it up, the constituents of colostrum
which your regular clueless courage of a mother had waiting for you, Laura.
And you mourn the loss of the old ways.

 

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As a farmer I am less interested in green than the darkness beneath it. Did cows bless this spot with their quadruple digestive attention? Does my shovel reveal an ecstatic rave of iridescent worms? Did anyone remember to pray here lately? Blood. Was it given willing unto this bed? Was it shed and buried? Whose last name is carved on the headstones and how many people did he buy before he died? A country of unmarked graves is fertile for remarking.

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The bushes bear berries and the people bear pain.
Fertile is not green it is ready.
First there is a special mucus and the door goes soft.
Then one day— meat smell, the inside of bodies. The blood smell of blood.
Psychedelic pain sings alto. Low, horse lips, go lower.
Galloping in the background, the future already has a name.
In his service three shifts of nurses cheerfully read a jagged black line.
Somewhere between the opening of bones, I realize that each of us is preceded
by thousands of such labors, tesselating like lace
behind us, the sky cracks
pause
moan with me now.

Without gendering this for a second can we identify the space internally
where new expressions take form? Wandering organ
sing me a song for getting dressed to
a song for being left, a song for the last long swim of the white bear.
We make and make, between takings. The future needs music too, for god's sake.

“My” “people” — I have seen your figurines
round bellied round breasted
snake and bird and frog
god holding open her own vulva
over the door of the church.
If the Holy Spirit is a two-way love arrow
between father and son
is that the way summer feels to lie in?
And what do we call the shimmer of devotion
between this kid and the birther?
Theologian, Gynecologist, did you ever
sticky with blood
nuzzle your new face
against the perfect earth
that you are?

It is hard
to have orphans of the Burnings in our blood.
She is not on this side of the sea either, pilgrim.
Your drum, your tongue, your circle, your soup.
Or she is everywhere
in hiding
from the incessant pyre.
My womb is always fourth of july. Empire, die.
Down the drain unrealized prince. This is the end of a line.
A life for remothering our mothers
and recalling the good leaf
we brought when we came.

 

 

 

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pregnable with the seed of all things
inward-looking presider over the pile
where death gets warm again
unfathomed galactic
dimensionally wet
pulsing place
lively darkness
moon’s true face
take us deeper than green
let us meet as makers in the unnamed unseen

 

 

 

 

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